When...
A commercial for a monster truck race totally creates total AWE in your child.
Who knew...That Jonathan loves this stuff, well maybe until we get to the event and it's too freaking loud for him...Ask us about the Super Bowl party from two years ago, that he cried every time everyone started cheering.
You know you have a boy when you hear yourself constantly saying something along the lines of don't jump off the furniture, you'll hurt yourself... Or here's another one don't throw your toys.
Who knew I'd ever be saying anything of this sort, but I enjoy having these boys immensely and would not trade them or what they do for anything in the world. :)
Monday, December 29, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
October 28th-All Shook up
No this is not about some Elvis Song...
I have to back up for a minute to tell you what was going on this morning...
After I got the kids in the car and got to therapy with Jonathan on our normal Tuesday morning routine...
After Jonathan's Occupational therapist told me she was concerned about his vision... and I am at a point where I feel frustrated and accused of doing nothing when in reality I've taken him to the doctor twice over it.
I went out into the front Lobby of Piedmont Hospital. I always meet people, some I see weekly as they visit people that are there in their church, some are friends of people who are sick. Some are there like me, waiting for a family member to come out of rehab or radiology. I have even run into some people I know that I hadn't seen in a long time.
Love the older women who love to come say hello and see Daniel sleep and say what a quiet child I have... LOL if they only knew THAT was his peaceful time of the day and the rest is spent screaming.
Today was different...
There was a family there and at first I thought they were all very close group of friends.
A couple really big guys were just really openly upset although it wasn't until later that I found out why. My heart broke for them and I didn't know why.
Here's why and one of them just told me: Their family has gone through 8 deaths in their family/friends in the year 2008 from everything from accidents, to murders to cancer. They had an aunt who was in the final stages of cancer and the family had been called to the hospital to decide how to proceed since it was her wish to not have to suffer. He did however say that through everything they have all learned that God is there to be their strength and they had to lean on Him and each other.
I cannot imagine what they have gone through this year, how they have been able to function under all of that.
I have friends- dear ones that have been through multiple losses and their faith amazes me, even though I have myself gone through that twice, I cannot fathom it happening over and over... my heart routinely is challenged to walk a mile in their sandals and go through their heartbreak. My heart breaks every time a friend loses a baby, a loved one or a pet...
Today I just questioned my whole perspective because of that whole encounter, and rather than think oh my stuff is petty compared to that, I felt as though God was trying to tell me it's all important although some may be way more serious...He cares about it all.
I am just thankful that our family's health is great at the moment and that we are loved the same.
I also know that I hate cancer with a PASSION. It's taken way too many of our friends and relatives and I so HATE it... I will however keep praying for folks like BJ, and Fred who are battling that beast and for kids like Victoria who prove that even at age 5 they still can trust God in their horrible situation. I pray for everyone daily.
That's all for me right now...
Trina
I have to back up for a minute to tell you what was going on this morning...
After I got the kids in the car and got to therapy with Jonathan on our normal Tuesday morning routine...
After Jonathan's Occupational therapist told me she was concerned about his vision... and I am at a point where I feel frustrated and accused of doing nothing when in reality I've taken him to the doctor twice over it.
I went out into the front Lobby of Piedmont Hospital. I always meet people, some I see weekly as they visit people that are there in their church, some are friends of people who are sick. Some are there like me, waiting for a family member to come out of rehab or radiology. I have even run into some people I know that I hadn't seen in a long time.
Love the older women who love to come say hello and see Daniel sleep and say what a quiet child I have... LOL if they only knew THAT was his peaceful time of the day and the rest is spent screaming.
Today was different...
There was a family there and at first I thought they were all very close group of friends.
A couple really big guys were just really openly upset although it wasn't until later that I found out why. My heart broke for them and I didn't know why.
Here's why and one of them just told me: Their family has gone through 8 deaths in their family/friends in the year 2008 from everything from accidents, to murders to cancer. They had an aunt who was in the final stages of cancer and the family had been called to the hospital to decide how to proceed since it was her wish to not have to suffer. He did however say that through everything they have all learned that God is there to be their strength and they had to lean on Him and each other.
I cannot imagine what they have gone through this year, how they have been able to function under all of that.
I have friends- dear ones that have been through multiple losses and their faith amazes me, even though I have myself gone through that twice, I cannot fathom it happening over and over... my heart routinely is challenged to walk a mile in their sandals and go through their heartbreak. My heart breaks every time a friend loses a baby, a loved one or a pet...
Today I just questioned my whole perspective because of that whole encounter, and rather than think oh my stuff is petty compared to that, I felt as though God was trying to tell me it's all important although some may be way more serious...He cares about it all.
I am just thankful that our family's health is great at the moment and that we are loved the same.
I also know that I hate cancer with a PASSION. It's taken way too many of our friends and relatives and I so HATE it... I will however keep praying for folks like BJ, and Fred who are battling that beast and for kids like Victoria who prove that even at age 5 they still can trust God in their horrible situation. I pray for everyone daily.
That's all for me right now...
Trina
Monday, December 22, 2008
OK take a moment and see what happens
Sometimes when we are in the thick of dealing with Jonathan and his entourage of people we tend to get overwhelmed.
Last Friday I got a phone call from the speech therapy place saying that as of the new year Jonathan's therapist was no longer working there. This was entirely shocking to us as there was no indication that she was about to quit. She had been absolutely pouring herself into Jonathan and he has been making great progress. We all liked he a lot and we were all considering making Jonathan's last session pretty special right before he turned three years old in March.
Of the three therapists that work with Jonathan she was the best one, then the physical therapist, and lastly the Occupational therapist who can be in itself her own post.
Last night Andrew said that he was upset about the whole deal. I said yes, BUT with weeks to go till his 3rd birthday we cannot do anything about it and as it stands Jonathan will probably haze the new therapist for a while and then decide to work. I hope that only takes one session.
Although I am so sad about it...we are trying to do the right thing by Jonathan but is seems that we are always having to prove it to other people that we are putting forth money and effort.
It's very frustrating for us to be spending the time and energy on trying to get Jonathan to talk and do the things that he should be doing as a two and three quarters years old boy.
We are making a bit more progress, but when it comes to putting him side by side with other kids his age they will automatically be doing a lot more.
Suddenly Andrew feels frustrated... a little too late for me... This I have dealt with for more than two and a half years. suddenly he felt like sharing. (shoulder shrug)
What I found is this; If I take a very deep breath and try to see things as one day at a time, and not try to compare Jonathan to anyone else I breathe a lot easier.
I have to pick my battles and Being that there are less than 8 weeks to him being three, I'd rather focus our energy on getting him ready for the test he needs to take...this time he needs to focus on listening to instructions. He is doing way better than he used to be. Now we can for example tell him to go get the blue blanket on the couch and bring it to me. :) (that shows he can id an object by color and by the name of the object and bring the object -2 step command)
Last Friday I got a phone call from the speech therapy place saying that as of the new year Jonathan's therapist was no longer working there. This was entirely shocking to us as there was no indication that she was about to quit. She had been absolutely pouring herself into Jonathan and he has been making great progress. We all liked he a lot and we were all considering making Jonathan's last session pretty special right before he turned three years old in March.
Of the three therapists that work with Jonathan she was the best one, then the physical therapist, and lastly the Occupational therapist who can be in itself her own post.
Last night Andrew said that he was upset about the whole deal. I said yes, BUT with weeks to go till his 3rd birthday we cannot do anything about it and as it stands Jonathan will probably haze the new therapist for a while and then decide to work. I hope that only takes one session.
Although I am so sad about it...we are trying to do the right thing by Jonathan but is seems that we are always having to prove it to other people that we are putting forth money and effort.
It's very frustrating for us to be spending the time and energy on trying to get Jonathan to talk and do the things that he should be doing as a two and three quarters years old boy.
We are making a bit more progress, but when it comes to putting him side by side with other kids his age they will automatically be doing a lot more.
Suddenly Andrew feels frustrated... a little too late for me... This I have dealt with for more than two and a half years. suddenly he felt like sharing. (shoulder shrug)
What I found is this; If I take a very deep breath and try to see things as one day at a time, and not try to compare Jonathan to anyone else I breathe a lot easier.
I have to pick my battles and Being that there are less than 8 weeks to him being three, I'd rather focus our energy on getting him ready for the test he needs to take...this time he needs to focus on listening to instructions. He is doing way better than he used to be. Now we can for example tell him to go get the blue blanket on the couch and bring it to me. :) (that shows he can id an object by color and by the name of the object and bring the object -2 step command)
Monday, December 15, 2008
just a thought...but it's Christmas
Trina's hint for the day... we don't like talking to anyone through anyone else. Be direct. Second hand information is often WRONG or twisted in nature. You might find out what you heard someone else say that we said is wrong. Call us up after Thursday(the phone is not working). We promise we don't bite but it is disappointing that you won't talk to us yourself. Quit playing telephone. The game was never fun anyway.
(totally NOT directed at my family)
It's not going to bother us if you continue to be mad over something and won't deal with it.
Yes, I know I am probably automatically the big bad villain just for being an in-law .
We aren't mad at anyone currently and hope that all offended parties either communicate or get over it.
Just know it's Christmas and we want our own family to have peace and would love it if other people's drama would stay away.
(totally NOT directed at my family)
It's not going to bother us if you continue to be mad over something and won't deal with it.
Yes, I know I am probably automatically the big bad villain just for being an in-law .
We aren't mad at anyone currently and hope that all offended parties either communicate or get over it.
Just know it's Christmas and we want our own family to have peace and would love it if other people's drama would stay away.
The reason why we left
First of all we are very happy we are at Forest Hill Church right now and very happy that we listened to the Lord as to coming there...no regrets except of course the life group thing which the effects are being healed from along with some things in life that needed healing.
That being said, last night we went to a benefit concert that a ministry was having for Samaritan's Purse and my friend Darlene's ministry called Power Team Inc.. at MorningStar..
We had not stepped foot anywhere near there as we felt there really is no reason to other than the people we left there.
It was strange and although we saw some people and saw more of the same type deal. Some folks just talked to us like we never left. Although in some respects that was awesome, where I am in my universe that felt a little weird. I was visiting, and I hadn't been there in a while... give me a break.
During the concert as soon as it started, Daniel started screaming and wouldn't stop. I took him into a hallway and held him as I sat down on the floor next to a wall. He calmed down as I was feeding him a bottle. I stayed there the whole time because I didn't want him starting back up again.
Since it was really a personal decision to leave MorningStar , I would be lying if I said it was an easy one to make. A large part of me at the time did not want to leave.
We knew a lot of people and had really great friends. Friends I could laugh and cry with. When I saw them all they had was LOVE for me... asked me why I didn't tell them we were leaving.
That was OK to ask me that because of the level of transparency I've had with people. I tried to tell them the whole process.
It really stung me and caught me off guard. I was not expecting to be missed. Oh my Lord.
When we were able to discern we were supposed to leave, it was very, very hard because we wanted to be able to leave, and not have hard feelings towards anyone;which took a few months before we finally left.
We had to decide where we wanted to go. The life group we had been in most of them were leaving as well to Antioch. Many of them our close friends...close enough to consider our family... but we didn't want to go somewhere and have it just be MorningStar 2nd edition.
Our hearts were not at a place where we were sync'd up with what was going on at MorningStar. In fact it was when there was a lot of questionable teaching on finances that went against pretty much everything that the Bible teaches and that for us is reason enough to leave. At a certain point Andrew pointed out that we were going more to see our friends than to worship. I know (GASP). Andrew was finding it hard to find the motivation to get himself out of bed on Sunday, and that is enough for me to say "Houston, we have a problem".
We felt comfortable with our decision to go to Forest Hill. We wanted to start fresh. It was a bit calmer and we didn't have to do anything to be loved, we just had to just be ourselves; although we had friends who loved us that way.
A bonus was that the heart of this church is to reach, transform and serve. Every Lifegroup in the church does something for someone else whether here or in Africa. To us that in itself was awesome.
For the entire first year we knew 3 people and that was fine. It took that long to even have the opportunity to become involved in a life group.
Having come from a large church we understood that the small groups are how life works and how you get to know anyone. That and volunteering but although we wanted to we just didn't feel released to do it.
Right now we are to the place where we want to be involved again, not because we have a driving need, but just because we do not feel like being spectators and we want to give ourselves away... That's just how we're wired.
Our relationship with God is like this...It's a reationship full of get to's not have to or should. Grace is enough. I don't have to do anything. But I get to, and that is always awesome.
To Robin: I am so very sorry I never told you that we were leaving. I ask you to forgive me. we've been friends for a long time and I love you for you and I am so glad I know you. You've taught me that I am a daughter of a King and that I can ask for anything because I am someone to the Lord.
To Bonnie: I'm sorry as well and I ask you to forgive me. I love you and value your precious heart. I am so glad we are sisters in the Lord. You taught me lessons in obedience through your adventures and life.
I'd lastly like to say this. as a family we have decided never to live in regret. I can honestly say we don't regret the time we spent at MorningStar. There are some great friends that we have had great memories with. There were also some great times with worship and serving that one can not forget. Some of which friendships were made that were and are truly divine.
When we heard the call of battle off in the distance, we were not running away from it by leaving, we were going towards it. It wouldn't have been wise to stay somewhere where there would have been no support other than friends. Although in some respects friends are what got us through the whole nicu experience with Jonathan that was not what the Lord wanted.
Shortly after we left(about a month) we found out that we were pregnant again(we tried again).
August rolled around and on the 31st we sadly micarried.
Although we had been there a short time at Forest Hill, we were treated with love and care. Our loss was treated with the upmost respect(that it deserved).
3 months later, we got pregnant(almost by prayer) again. This time we carried the pregnancy to nearly 41 weeks(40 is normal for a pregnancy) and got better care and betamethasone for lungs.
Daniel is nearly 5 months. Jonathan is 3 months shy of being 3.
That's enough for right now.
That being said, last night we went to a benefit concert that a ministry was having for Samaritan's Purse and my friend Darlene's ministry called Power Team Inc.. at MorningStar..
We had not stepped foot anywhere near there as we felt there really is no reason to other than the people we left there.
It was strange and although we saw some people and saw more of the same type deal. Some folks just talked to us like we never left. Although in some respects that was awesome, where I am in my universe that felt a little weird. I was visiting, and I hadn't been there in a while... give me a break.
During the concert as soon as it started, Daniel started screaming and wouldn't stop. I took him into a hallway and held him as I sat down on the floor next to a wall. He calmed down as I was feeding him a bottle. I stayed there the whole time because I didn't want him starting back up again.
Since it was really a personal decision to leave MorningStar , I would be lying if I said it was an easy one to make. A large part of me at the time did not want to leave.
We knew a lot of people and had really great friends. Friends I could laugh and cry with. When I saw them all they had was LOVE for me... asked me why I didn't tell them we were leaving.
That was OK to ask me that because of the level of transparency I've had with people. I tried to tell them the whole process.
It really stung me and caught me off guard. I was not expecting to be missed. Oh my Lord.
When we were able to discern we were supposed to leave, it was very, very hard because we wanted to be able to leave, and not have hard feelings towards anyone;which took a few months before we finally left.
We had to decide where we wanted to go. The life group we had been in most of them were leaving as well to Antioch. Many of them our close friends...close enough to consider our family... but we didn't want to go somewhere and have it just be MorningStar 2nd edition.
Our hearts were not at a place where we were sync'd up with what was going on at MorningStar. In fact it was when there was a lot of questionable teaching on finances that went against pretty much everything that the Bible teaches and that for us is reason enough to leave. At a certain point Andrew pointed out that we were going more to see our friends than to worship. I know (GASP). Andrew was finding it hard to find the motivation to get himself out of bed on Sunday, and that is enough for me to say "Houston, we have a problem".
We felt comfortable with our decision to go to Forest Hill. We wanted to start fresh. It was a bit calmer and we didn't have to do anything to be loved, we just had to just be ourselves; although we had friends who loved us that way.
A bonus was that the heart of this church is to reach, transform and serve. Every Lifegroup in the church does something for someone else whether here or in Africa. To us that in itself was awesome.
For the entire first year we knew 3 people and that was fine. It took that long to even have the opportunity to become involved in a life group.
Having come from a large church we understood that the small groups are how life works and how you get to know anyone. That and volunteering but although we wanted to we just didn't feel released to do it.
Right now we are to the place where we want to be involved again, not because we have a driving need, but just because we do not feel like being spectators and we want to give ourselves away... That's just how we're wired.
Our relationship with God is like this...It's a reationship full of get to's not have to or should. Grace is enough. I don't have to do anything. But I get to, and that is always awesome.
To Robin: I am so very sorry I never told you that we were leaving. I ask you to forgive me. we've been friends for a long time and I love you for you and I am so glad I know you. You've taught me that I am a daughter of a King and that I can ask for anything because I am someone to the Lord.
To Bonnie: I'm sorry as well and I ask you to forgive me. I love you and value your precious heart. I am so glad we are sisters in the Lord. You taught me lessons in obedience through your adventures and life.
I'd lastly like to say this. as a family we have decided never to live in regret. I can honestly say we don't regret the time we spent at MorningStar. There are some great friends that we have had great memories with. There were also some great times with worship and serving that one can not forget. Some of which friendships were made that were and are truly divine.
When we heard the call of battle off in the distance, we were not running away from it by leaving, we were going towards it. It wouldn't have been wise to stay somewhere where there would have been no support other than friends. Although in some respects friends are what got us through the whole nicu experience with Jonathan that was not what the Lord wanted.
Shortly after we left(about a month) we found out that we were pregnant again(we tried again).
August rolled around and on the 31st we sadly micarried.
Although we had been there a short time at Forest Hill, we were treated with love and care. Our loss was treated with the upmost respect(that it deserved).
3 months later, we got pregnant(almost by prayer) again. This time we carried the pregnancy to nearly 41 weeks(40 is normal for a pregnancy) and got better care and betamethasone for lungs.
Daniel is nearly 5 months. Jonathan is 3 months shy of being 3.
That's enough for right now.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Life at The Shack
OK I know
If you know me, I am one who RARELY follows trends. If you know me I am more likely to CREATE a trend if anything.
I am not into trends and a few years back you probably heard me rant about Rick Warren's book The Purpose Driven Life. It was absolutely everywhere I went. Every church was doing either a class on it or a sermon series..Drove me CRAZY. Didn't understand it. didn't care...
Fast forward to about August and the Lord began dealing with me like crazy about dealing with the hurts in my life.
The church I have been going to started a series on the book The Shack... Ok but this time, I'm not rolling my eyes or ranting. without giving the plot of the book away... This is about God wanting redemption for me and also to heal.
My suggestion is to actually read the book... I read it in 3 days and rarely do I get into books.. but not since The Final Quest and The Call have I been sucked into a book. Well, ok The Bible but that is a given.
God has been trying to get through to us all and recently has been pointing out to me that life is not merely surviving stuff, but living and not putting my emotions in a box and not being able to deal with them because I don't know how to.
If you read it just know that I feel like I am Mack and God has a lot to deal with me on.
That's all for me right now.
Trina
If you know me, I am one who RARELY follows trends. If you know me I am more likely to CREATE a trend if anything.
I am not into trends and a few years back you probably heard me rant about Rick Warren's book The Purpose Driven Life. It was absolutely everywhere I went. Every church was doing either a class on it or a sermon series..Drove me CRAZY. Didn't understand it. didn't care...
Fast forward to about August and the Lord began dealing with me like crazy about dealing with the hurts in my life.
The church I have been going to started a series on the book The Shack... Ok but this time, I'm not rolling my eyes or ranting. without giving the plot of the book away... This is about God wanting redemption for me and also to heal.
My suggestion is to actually read the book... I read it in 3 days and rarely do I get into books.. but not since The Final Quest and The Call have I been sucked into a book. Well, ok The Bible but that is a given.
God has been trying to get through to us all and recently has been pointing out to me that life is not merely surviving stuff, but living and not putting my emotions in a box and not being able to deal with them because I don't know how to.
If you read it just know that I feel like I am Mack and God has a lot to deal with me on.
That's all for me right now.
Trina
Thursday, December 4, 2008
new goals,driveway and the toddler
OK now that it's December at our house we think about goals we need to accomplish and start them now... Ever think why bother making New Year's resolutions because typically they don't work. so Start now and make it habit.
One thing we can take off of our list is the mystery of the leaking driveway.... Why would concrete spew water anyways... It can if there was a leaking freshwater pipe that broke while the house was being built (8 years ago) and didn't surface until mid September after all the dss stuff calmed down.
Luckily for us... we have a friend who is a contractor and he needed his computer fixed... so all we needed to do was rent equipment and Darren and Andrew dug a hole yesterday. A plumber was called and a pipe was replaced. Today as I pulled in our street, Darren was finishing the concrete that he put in the hole... We convinced Jonathan to put his foot in the wet concrete and left his footprint.
Andrew says we had a bad year... I say that's partially true but any time someone is born breathing to me it's a GREAT thing. if you want to chime in and add your .02 then go ahead.
We are now praying for Jonathan's speech therapist Tracy as she has an ovarian cyst that has been a problem to her. she goes for an u/s next week... I hope her ovary isn't going to continue doing this as I know how that feels. I myself am waiting for my menstrual cycle to return to make my own ultrasound appointment as I have been in pain as well.
Today I thought to myself good Lord, we must be twins.
Anyways that's all for me...
And yes, Jonathan slept in his toddler bed last night for the first time. He stayed there most of the night. I call this a victory. Daniel slept in the crib for the first time and it was a far cry from being crammed into a pack n play bassinet. I think he liked it although he woke up 3 times last night. I was more worried about the toddler bed because Daniel isn't able to climb out and run around the room destroying stuff like Jonathan can if you get my drift. ;)
Be blessed
Trina
One thing we can take off of our list is the mystery of the leaking driveway.... Why would concrete spew water anyways... It can if there was a leaking freshwater pipe that broke while the house was being built (8 years ago) and didn't surface until mid September after all the dss stuff calmed down.
Luckily for us... we have a friend who is a contractor and he needed his computer fixed... so all we needed to do was rent equipment and Darren and Andrew dug a hole yesterday. A plumber was called and a pipe was replaced. Today as I pulled in our street, Darren was finishing the concrete that he put in the hole... We convinced Jonathan to put his foot in the wet concrete and left his footprint.
Andrew says we had a bad year... I say that's partially true but any time someone is born breathing to me it's a GREAT thing. if you want to chime in and add your .02 then go ahead.
We are now praying for Jonathan's speech therapist Tracy as she has an ovarian cyst that has been a problem to her. she goes for an u/s next week... I hope her ovary isn't going to continue doing this as I know how that feels. I myself am waiting for my menstrual cycle to return to make my own ultrasound appointment as I have been in pain as well.
Today I thought to myself good Lord, we must be twins.
Anyways that's all for me...
And yes, Jonathan slept in his toddler bed last night for the first time. He stayed there most of the night. I call this a victory. Daniel slept in the crib for the first time and it was a far cry from being crammed into a pack n play bassinet. I think he liked it although he woke up 3 times last night. I was more worried about the toddler bed because Daniel isn't able to climb out and run around the room destroying stuff like Jonathan can if you get my drift. ;)
Be blessed
Trina
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Trust and faith
Things no one can take from me.
My memories
My love
my faith in God
My past
My present
Everything else is highly debatable and before I get too philisophical or what some may say is religious (that would be way too easy) what I am trying to do here is remind myself that the things around me can feel like they are crumbling or dying away but certain things will NEVER change. God is immovable, He never changes.
Although sometimes I have memories I cannot deal with and would rather not ever have, I know that somehow God will work it out for his good. Even though it hurts, even though it's scary...
I shutter to think what life would be like without having been in the places I've been in and met the people I have. Most have been great to know, some have touched me, a few have changed my life.
No I'm not getting nostalgic, or homesick because home is where you are(where ever that may be).
I think of how life is and where we are currently. How life comes from ashes and where there is beauty in it.
I would not be standing here with my two beautiful boys if it were not for a LOT of ashes.
Jonathan was conceived after the loss of our baby "Samuel"(1/29/05). And Daniel was conceived 3 months after the loss of our baby "Hannah"(8/31/08) . I would not have the friends that I do, nor be at the church I'm at etc... if it weren't for parts of my journey..
We would be telling a whole different story had Toni (a friend of mine from a parenting board)
not had convinced me it was worth asking a doctor's opinion about future pregnancies.
Jonathan taught us some really HARD lessons and we were determined to learn from them.
We thank God we listened and fought for what we needed as I lay on the delivery table hearing the screams of newborn Daniel. (some things I hope I never EVER forget)
Currently we are in a holding pattern as we heal from wounds received in an unexpected place. but even if you don't believe in God or anything know this. Whether you think you are safe or not is up to you and you can decide to put up walls in defense and keep everyone out OR you can take a bigger step and face your fears and decide that maybe some people burned you or people talked bad about you, but not everyone is like that.
People are worth knowing whether or not you trust them is completely up to you.
My memories
My love
my faith in God
My past
My present
Everything else is highly debatable and before I get too philisophical or what some may say is religious (that would be way too easy) what I am trying to do here is remind myself that the things around me can feel like they are crumbling or dying away but certain things will NEVER change. God is immovable, He never changes.
Although sometimes I have memories I cannot deal with and would rather not ever have, I know that somehow God will work it out for his good. Even though it hurts, even though it's scary...
I shutter to think what life would be like without having been in the places I've been in and met the people I have. Most have been great to know, some have touched me, a few have changed my life.
No I'm not getting nostalgic, or homesick because home is where you are(where ever that may be).
I think of how life is and where we are currently. How life comes from ashes and where there is beauty in it.
I would not be standing here with my two beautiful boys if it were not for a LOT of ashes.
Jonathan was conceived after the loss of our baby "Samuel"(1/29/05). And Daniel was conceived 3 months after the loss of our baby "Hannah"(8/31/08) . I would not have the friends that I do, nor be at the church I'm at etc... if it weren't for parts of my journey..
We would be telling a whole different story had Toni (a friend of mine from a parenting board)
not had convinced me it was worth asking a doctor's opinion about future pregnancies.
Jonathan taught us some really HARD lessons and we were determined to learn from them.
We thank God we listened and fought for what we needed as I lay on the delivery table hearing the screams of newborn Daniel. (some things I hope I never EVER forget)
Currently we are in a holding pattern as we heal from wounds received in an unexpected place. but even if you don't believe in God or anything know this. Whether you think you are safe or not is up to you and you can decide to put up walls in defense and keep everyone out OR you can take a bigger step and face your fears and decide that maybe some people burned you or people talked bad about you, but not everyone is like that.
People are worth knowing whether or not you trust them is completely up to you.
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