What would you SAY...

Okay now that I've got a song going through your head...Or at least now there's one in mine.
It got me thinking.
October is Pregnancy and infancy loss awareness month. Most people are aware of October also being Breast Cancer awareness month.
In fact I've seen it on  the news and even say a horrible NFL game where I needed sunglasses because the pink was day-glow.(yeah I know I just totally bunny trailed but now that you're aware I will continue)
Okay now my question. What would you really say so someone who just experienced a loss.
I'm going to list a few pointers I use. This totally excludes pregnancy loss because I've experienced this one twice.
1. Try just being honest and say you're sorry and how you don't know what to say.
This is so much better than saying something you don't really know or will come across the wrong way.
2. Place yourself in the other person's shoes...and walk a few miles in them.
What would you want someone to say or do for you.
3. If you feel like you want or need to do something for them in this time of trauma/loss, be very specific.
If you say something like, If you ever need anything please let me know.  Okay one problem, we've all heard this and it's too open ended.
Imagine going through a time in which your whole personal universe falls apart. It's overwhelming. nothing makes sense. This trauma wasn't supposed to happen., now you have to deal with not only this loss but everybody else.
I remember certain things that really helped me when my first son Jonathan was born and the NICU stay that followed. One of the most meaningful things someone did for me was...Mow my lawn. or Bring me food.
This friend of ours actually asked if he could come over and mow our grass.

4. Don't avoid someone because you don't know what to say. Just say something. If this person lost a loved one and you have personal memories of them...talk  about this. Trust me it helps when other people remember a friend. writing down the memories is even better.
Silence can sometimes be deafening. It's okay to cry about it.

Pregnancy loss(this may trigger-those who've had this happen)



I've experienced two miscarriages. The first one was in January 2005 and the second was August 31,2007(labor day Friday). Both of these pregnancies were very wanted and the babies that were in my womb from conception were both precious and loved.
Having had just gone through several years of infertility and waiting, It was truly the most joyful thing to find out that finally we were pregnant.  A few weeks later and after an ultrasound we discover our babies had died.(both times)
I'll spare you all the details only to say. It stinks. I'm sad and there is such a stigma on this that I cannot talk about my loved ones.
I've heard even  really great friends tell me the most crazy and hurtful things that meant well.
"Maybe it just wasn't meant to be" or "Don't be sad and don't mourn this baby".
I even had a pastor friend that I respected tell me that I had an abortion. I had no respect for this person later by the way, and the fact of the matter was that my baby had passed away at 7 weeks and a month had passed.   My body never got the memo to let go. I saw that ultrasound with no heart beating..and continued to see that horrible yet beautiful picture every time I closed by eyes for a while.
This person treated me as though I had butchered my baby.  Incomprehensible if  I catch someone saying it to one of my friends or me, I will be having words with you.

The morning we said goodbye a really well known friend of mine called me and gave me some really terrific words of comfort(from experience)
My baby was in heaven with Jesus and that I would be able to see him when it was my time, and that no matter what I was and always would be his mom.

I would through this experience gain some things that were unexpected. I gained a new level of compassion for people experiencing this. Maybe it's empathy..I really don't know what to call it.
I also gained some of the most wonderful,caring and loving friends I never thought I would ever meet. People from all walks of life, beliefs etc.
One of the best things I ever heard someone say was "i'm So sorry for your loss" I'm here with you and for you. If you need to cry go ahead. Screaming is okay too."
Okay now that I have tears in my eyes...
Pregnancy loss is more about mourning the future... What would he/she have looked like etc.

If you've never experienced anything like that: Good for you. I pray and hope you never do.
Be honest and tell the person you don't know what to say and leave it at that.
Let the mom or dad take the lead in whether or not they want to do something.

Case in point (and I hope this friend doesn't get offended because I love her and her family HUGS and Kisses to C)

When I miscarried Samuel at what should have been 11 weeks...She was I think 34 weeks pregnant.
We'd gone through most of her pregnancy together as really close friends. We talked a lot. She was in fact the first person I called when I got this horrible news.

The timing on this loss was so Horrible not only for my family, but for her as well. She was in a period of transition that was anticipated to be JOYful.   The whole thing was just awkward and after the initial loss and the memorial we had..we kind of backed off... Because our time of LOSS was incredibly upsetting...she didn't know how to feel or say. Well of course she went on and had her baby. I had asked her to call me and talk to me through that because I demanded she did. I told her if she kept this from me I'd be even more upset. She  shared the whole thing with me and even called me right after she delivered her own baby in the hospital by herself (long story short, her delivery was super fast that no doctors or nurses were there to catch the baby. The baby came out and landed on the bed).
We drifted apart and only on occasion would call each other. I felt I lost a friend. She avoided me like the plague for a while.  We did reconcile and God does  wonderful things through that. God only knows the reasons why things happen. It's impossible for me to see anything past my circumstances sometimes.. We'll be friends always although it will be different.

Although I didn't die, some people expected me to stay away from the activities that brought me joy and light to my dark valley... why do you expect me to crawl in a freaking hole and never come out...
Yes I have those days where I want to stay in bed or go sit on my porch. I still think about those babies. A LOT.

It's a MYTH that just because you have other children, that losing a baby by miscarriage is any less painful.
In fact it's quite the opposite.  Every year on someone's birthday the question goes through my head about what one of our babies would have looked like.  Having a child that's living sometimes does trigger that response,although I have learned to deal with the pain of that.
This same truth applies also to infertility.

Someday my children will be told about their siblings that are in heaven waiting on us all.  We are waiting until they have more understanding of life and death to tell them this.

Until then Every October 15th we light candles to remember those babies.  We also light candles Jan 28th... Samuel will be 7 years this next January.

Until our children can grasp the concept of life and death, we are waiting to tell them about our other babies.

Some of this I have to give credit where credit is due. I would not be where I am today without the friendship of some ladies I met on the internet. I also have met others with these experiences locally and the thread among ourselves is made common by love and loss.
I ultimately have to give the honor and credit to God(my creator) and also someone who I married nearly 14 years ago.
Having said this...I've been greatly comforted, and find myself offering the same support that was given to me.
Until next time go and be blessed (to be a blessing)