I'm not Shopping

Just a thought...
Ever visit a church or just join a mommies group or a life group and totally feel like you took someone else's seat?
This really did happen.
Recently we tried to change churches and that is how I felt. I really didn't want to feel that way. Even though I knew a ton of people there. It was just like playing 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon but with Andrew and Trina.
Honestly it was probably more of me and my stuff than anyone else. I was hoping being around people I have known for a long time would help lessen anxiety I've been dealing with for a couple of years. Turns out that isn't really the case and it's the same whether I am known by a lot of people or totally invisible (only a few know us).
We will try this again when Andrew's week end part time Pizza throwing changes a little bit. Logistical issues are our main issue.
We felt like the grace or "want to" had warn off or left where we were. We prayed about it and so we tried changing churches. No we are NOT church shopping at all. We were feeling it was time to go there but apparently it's a timing issue. Jonathan was happy (good sign but not a good barometer of how great a place it is).
It wasn't how much love we felt from a lot of people that were there or whether or not the pastor came by and shook hands with us. We love him by the way. It wasn't the greeters or the ushers or the kids folks. It was me. I felt like although they knew me... things in my life had changed and I have no way of explaining that to anyone.
I was back to feeling like my heart was shattered again. Like I have to explain what happened that caused me and my family heartache and pain, they all knew.

 I found myself putting up walls trying to insulate myself from what I felt was an inevitable betrayal. Funny how I felt that way when most of the core group had been with us during our pregnancy with Jonathan and through the nicu stay... But I will say this again...It's me, Not you. We will try this again as it's more of a when than an if.
I guess it is a forgiveness issue and the hurt that came from it.(not to mention some really nasty memories from the past).
We went back to Forest Hill on Sundays, and although we have pulled Daniel out of the nursery indefinitely. Feeling like we were being burnt to a crisp every 3 weeks(working as a volunteer). I was exhausted meanwhile I was working though some crazy emotional stuff. Not a great mix. So we stepped down... we are still able  to worship in a family viewing room.
I feel like some of the grace was renewed and I went back to the life group I was enjoying, I love being stretched and these ladies and I have learned so much about what we believe about praying and who God the Three-in-one is...
The above happened too for a while and I had panic attacks on the way there for a few weeks until I started to KNOW these people. That in itself was unbelievable how healing that was.
As I write this I am suffering from a sinus infection that sparred from my spring allergies and yes folks The trees are a blooming big time due to all the rain we had.
As I write this I am looking at a stack of papers I need to fill out before Jonathan's neurology appt. on the 14th of Apr, at this point I need some help filling this out or I feel I am not doing Jonathan a good thing by taking him... May of these are about his behavior so I might email his teacher and ask what she's seen.
I am a great advocate for him. We are going to go get his spots on his torso looked at they are called caffe au lait spots and look as though someone spilled coffee on him.
I won't be giving you a link to info like normal and I ask you not to send me any info on this as I need to stay in a calm place to appropriately be Jonathan's advocate.
I only tend to post conditions after the fact we know something. I like to not go looking for trouble and search the internet for this. It makes me fret full. I have several friends I've made a pact with to not do this or they kick my tail.
Not what I want or need to feel walking into the unknown... I just hope God steps in and does something special for Jonathan.

I have  the wonderful memories of  our first walk (March of Dimes) with Jonathan(while I was preggo with Daniel) and how special it was  to be around other special kids like him who fought hard to be here.. I especially enjoyed being able to pray for and record them releasing a balloon in honor of their friend's baby born at 25 weeks and fighting.
It was great we released balloons in honor of Sarah's Daughter Kenadie and Shayli (naked lizard). I always shed tears and always come away feeling a lot better. I cannot wait for this year as maybe we tell our story, and how some of you helped me finally take some advice to go see a perinatologist..
That is so awesome.
anyways be Blessed