First of all I am happy for friends of mine who are celebrating their daughter's 2nd birthday. They went through a lot to get her and finalize her adoption.
Jeff and Jacqueline's Daughter, Samantha was born the very same day we lost our baby to a miscarriage.
We named that baby Hannah.
It was a tough week end. We had been praying along with them to see the fulfilment of what we were all wanting to see. This was a domestic adoption. They were at the birth of this baby and we were all praying that the birth mom would not back out of the adoption.
Two days earlier Andrew and I had an ultrasound and we saw a baby with a heart beat. Although it was tiny, all we could think of was at least we have a beating heart.
Although in our experience, that is a minor thing as we have seen the heartbeat of every baby that I have been pregnant with regardless of whether I miscarried or not.
The next day I began to spot. For me this was absolutely the scariest thing as I sat on the toilet. I was thinking OMG not again (although my previous miscarriage was missed and I never had bleeding I did spot).
I called the doctor and was told that spotting could be normal. In my opinion anything red and flowing is BAD
I was told that if I started cramping really bad and flowing to call back...
That night I started cramping and bleeding started that next morning.
needless to say I called them back only to get the run around. I finally called back and got a time. 1 pm. I was thinking great
I took Jonathan in his stroller and asked if he would be patient with me.
I was asked to give a urine sample although I was bleeding heavily coffee colored blood.
They took me into the small ultrasound room (the same one where we discovered my first loss) I got onto the table and remember saying to the tech, please tell me if I lost this baby because my gut feeling is that I did.
They confirmed another dead baby still inside that hadn't yet make it's way out of me.
At this point I was in a horrific amount of pain and very tired. I asked the doctor the normal questions that would be asked in a situation like this. At this point my heart was broken. I called Andrew while waiting for the doctor in the exam room on my cell phone. he was going to be unable to do anything for me because he was the only middle management in the building as it was Friday before Labor Day week end. They wouldn't allow him to leave.
I called another friend of mine for emotional support and she helped me stay calm for Jonathan's sake.
I felt really bad for Jonathan, that he had to see his mommy that he loves in a lot of pain and sadness. I asked the doctor how long this could take and he said that it could be a while (as in days). I said is there anything else we can do I don't want to drag this out if the outcome is the same. He said how about surgery. I said ok, although I told him I had a couple bites for lunch.
He went off called the hospital, and I called Andrew and said they want me to go to the hospital NOW... he said he couldn't and I was like well call someone to watch Jonathan until you get there.
He called his mom. she came and took me and Jonathan to the hospital. I wish she would have just stayed at home with him because she went on and on about Diana (my sister-in-law) and about her own loss. She had an abortion. End of story. Her doc said that the birth control she was on was bad for the baby and she needed an abortion.
There is simply a limit to how much of that I can endure and this was too much for me.
I kept holding off the doctor as I wanted Andrew there. Finally the doc cut me off and I was semi ok and he took me to the OR.
I was given a spinal due to the fact that I had eaten several hours previous. This bent me a little out of shape and was more traumatizing than I ever had realized even though at one point I could feel what was going on. I was having a d&e to help complete the miscarriage. The baby had died due to lack of progesterone (hormone responsible for maintaining pregnancy in the first 12 weeks until the placenta takes over).
I was too overwhelmed and I just decided to close my eyes. I ended up going to sleep(maybe it was drug induced) I woke up as they finished and was moved to recovery. Andrew came in and loved on me... I told him again I was sorry. This was not supposed to happen when we were trying with clomid.
He took Jonathan and Andrew's mom home to my house. and came back to be with me.
We were sad that we lost this baby and due to mommy and daddy's intuition and dreams we knew this was a girl. we named her Hannah.
She died at around 7 weeks gestation and was deeply loved by her mommy and Daddy.
We were so lucky to have been at Forest Hill when this happened. We were treated with the deep care and respect our loss needed and deserved. I was guided through the initial stages of my grief by a counselor and she helped me not only grieve the loss of that sweet baby, but also our first loss of Samuel (lost Jan. 28, 2005). The counseling was very effective and only took a few visits. we just needed a boost.
At a certain point Andrew and I began praying about whether or not to try again. We would soon find out we had conceived naturally (without clomid) a mere one cycle after losing Hannah.
Without dishonoring this baby I would say that without her coming into our lives we would not be celebrating a month ago Daniel's first birthday.
Kind of bittersweet.
So Hannah , we love you and hope you are well in Heaven having a blast with all the other babies who got to come to heaven and be with Jesus and you. I hope you know that both Jonathan and Daniel love you too.
BIG BIG hugs and I know someday we'll see each other in Heaven.
Love Mommy and Daddy
(((HUGS))))
ReplyDeleteI am sitting here crying for you. ((HUGS))
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